Codependency, Over-giving, + how to stop
I often wonder how so many of us get to this place of over-giving. Over-giving at home, at work, in our relationships. You know what I mean:
Taking on just one more project. Doing the majority of the housework. Packing the perfect lunches and doing drop-off’s/pick-up’s. Planning the shower or the party when we really don’t have the space. Not charging enough or not negotiating higher pay for our work. Attempting to conquer the countless emails in our inboxes way too late into the night.
All of this while disregarding our own needs and barely giving ourselves an hour (an hour!) each week to meditate, practice yoga, sit in silence, take a nap, whatever it is.
There’s a word for where this over-giving behavior that leads to overwhelm/overwork/overburden originates from: codependency.
Codependency: an adaptive coping mechanism used compulsively by those trying to find personal worth and value by meeting the perceived needs of others, including individuals, systems, and organizations
Women and girls, especially, are taught from a young age to act from a codependent place. To care more about what others think, than the desires on their own hearts...to care more for the needs of others, at the expense of denying their own:
Be agreeable.
Be pretty.
Be smart.
Don't talk too much or too loudly.
Don't think too deeply.
Get good grades.
Smile.
Think of others before yourself.
Actually, only think of others. Thinking of yourself is selfish.
Be busy.
Be a boss, but not bossy.
Be quiet.
Be humble.
It’s time to stop the pattern now. It is not your job alone to continuously care for the perceived needs of others…because they are that - a perception. Of course, this is different than feeding your children and doing your work in the world. Yes? It’s the over-giving to the brink of now being over-burdened we’re discussing here.
It’s not secret that Ayurveda’s elements have been a muse for me for some time. So, let’s take a moment to consider water in nature and how this element shows up in our bodies.
Water is fierce. The movement of water can be unpredictable and powerful, yet she cleanses and brings life. She’s smooth and soft, yet heavy. Soothing, yet dramatic. An ocean can be smooth as glass and in an instant whip into crashing waves. You are that. I am that.
By attuning to nature, we remember our fierceness, our vitality, and start to align with its lushness.
We start to claim and re-frame our patterns, like over-giving, which lead to our own places of exhaustion, fatigue, burnout, and feelings of never getting off a hamster wheel. Life can be better. Using water as our inspiration for breaking our codependent habits, keep this in mind:
Do not shrink.
It's not any of your business if others are uncomfortable in your presence, because you know who you are.
It's okay if people don't like you. You’re not for everyone. I’m not for everyone.
You never have to earn or prove your worthiness.
Rest is NOT for the lazy. It is sacred.
Embodying the feminine ideals means you will rock the boat in a world so focused on steering your ship, rather than allowing your desires and the Shakti, feminine energy, to guide the way.
This is different than forcing or demanding. This is yielding, allowing, flowing, and continuing to recognize your immense power as an individual being free from trying to please, appease, or control for an outcome. Now is the time to unravel and unlearn.
Can you imagine how the world would be different if we really took care of ourselves and recognized/stopped our over-giving tendencies? If we could slow down enough to be clear on our boundaries, recognize and honor our wholeness, said NO more often, allowed ourselves pleasure and play? If we started to embody more of the divine feminine ideals in our days - expression, intuition, nourishment, gentleness, and patience, rather than solely the cultural (and misinterpreted masculine) ideals of productivity, overwork, time management, self-sufficiency, and CONTROL?
So different.
It is safe to embody water, to release codependent behavior, and reclaim your own vitality of being. It is safe to be in the feminine. It is okay to love yourself fully without the approval of another.
What do you think? How have you been operating? Write to me and share your reflections (I LOVE hearing from you!).
With love,
Leanne
P.S. To move past patterns, we need help. Healing doesn’t happen alone, it happens in community. In a few weeks, I’ll be sharing an all new 5-Day Meditation Challenge with you. The Begin Again Meditation Challenge will start on Monday, June 14, 2021 and is for anyone is who ready to reclaim a place of ease, deep fulfillment, and joy in their days. We’ll be inspired by the elements of nature throughout this week. You can get on the waitlist by clicking here. One meditation each day for five days delivered to your inbox. Please share with a friend, too.
